Nevers # 2: Validation

This one is for all the Mr. Fix-its and Ms. Optimistics'. I understand you are the cheery lot and want everything to be fine ("Fine" being the operative word here) but the rest of us don't want to be in denial. And if someone close to you, tells you about how bad his/her day was or how upset he or she is, its not because they can't handle their problem and need you to fix it, neither do they think that they are no good. All they need at that point is VALIDATION of their feelings/emotions.

We complain because we feel. We have emotions and we don't deny them. And as far as I am concerned, its healthy to be upset, angry or just sad. Not everything is fine, if I am hurt and I need to acknowledge that and may be even grieve a bit. And the job of a friend in those times is to validate those emotions and not come up with the solutions for problems or tell us to move on even before you finish telling them the whole story.

And please, don't start up with all those motivational crap, you know, the ones that says that you can either face your troubles with a smile or with a slump and blah blah blah. Seriously, they used to sound great when I was a teenager. I could afford to be in denial then. Not anymore.

I once read this somewhere:

Painful feelings that are expressed, acknowledged and validated by a trusted listener will diminish.

Painful Feelings that are ignored will gain strength.

So please, next time a friend starts complaining, don't hush them. Listen and validate. Sympathize, be a bit dishonest, if needed (you can be honest at a later occasion when they are less vulnerable). Just acknowledge the fact that its ok for them to be upset. It helps. A lot.

Nevers #1

Ok, I started this post as a list of Never-to-do's but the post seemed to go on forever so instead I took one nugget from the list and expanded on it. So here is my first post on Never-to-do. This one is a piece of advice for charmers. For the purpose of this blog, Charmers are people trying their luck charming someone, although this particular post is focused on guys. So here it goes...

If you are trying to court a girl, never tell her/tease her about/joke about/whisper to her: 'Girls are Stupid' or any other equivalent generalized statements like 'Girls are bad drivers' or 'Girls gossip'. We girls, in general, take these allegations personally. So the statement 'Girls are stupid' are translated to 'You are stupid' and hence forth. Obviously, you don't want to say that to the girl you are trying to engage. And please the add-ons like, 'Present company excused' or 'Of course, I don't mean you' etc. makes us wonder even more that you actually do mean it personally.

Once you made any statement like that, its an all-lose situation after that. Don't even start giving some isolated examples to prove your point. Even if you prove it to be true, somehow, you will loose her. Each and every statement you make in favor of your allegation, will just expose your insensitivity, lack of proper manners and a 20th-century mentality. None of these qualities are desirable.

If you think you are being funny or just teasing someone by making these ridiculous statements, you need to get your sense of humor checked by an expert (I volunteer. General diagnosis: You have a sick sense of humor. Incurable disease. Sorry, I digress..). We don't think insults are amusing, even though we might not express that on your face (we are more polite than you are, obviously).

And for those of you who think these statements to be actually true, I have full sympathy for your spouse. She either must have very high level of tolerance or very low self-esteem. And no, I am not a feminist. I don't raise flags of woman empowerments but I refuse to be insulted because of some stupid notion you have about female species.

Thats it for today's "Nevers". Watch out this space for more "Nevers". Someday, sometime it will be back.