Its been three years since my last post here. After about 8 years of blogging, I gave up blogging as I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable to share my views, for some reason. May be it was a sign of growing old.
I am reclaiming this blog today. This is part of my journey. I am so glad I didn't delete this blog when I decided to stop blogging. It was nice to reconnect to myself. The cynic, sarcastic, the optimist-who-thinks-she-is-pessimist (if I can go back, I would like to tell her- cynic is not equal to pessimist), the whiner, the honest me. How I have grown and changed since then! I think I used to have much better sense of humour back then - at least I can make myself laugh again. I guess that's one thing I shouldn't have changed about myself - my sarcasm. I am not nearly as sarcastic as I used to be. Guess, its again a sign of growing old?
A lot has changed in three years - especially in past six months. Not even in my wildest dream could have I thought of being in a place I am now. To be honest, I don't even know where I am as I still don't know all the facts. I guess the biggest questions I have - what is point of all this? Why so many people in so many countries care about poor old me? Why knowing everything about me has been so important? Why monitoring me so closely so important? I am one person among 7.6 billion people. Why waste so much resources on me?
Not that I am not grateful (yes, despite my anger tantrums - which reading my blog you must acknowledge is not something new. I used to use blog/sarcasm before) for being loved and cared for so much by so many people - strangers, family, and friends - but I do need to know all the whys and hows. I need to deal with past six months's events to be able to move on. I haven't even started to put them in sequence - it makes me angry. And yes, I am angry at myself for not being honest, for being scared, for doing things that I wouldn't have done in normal circumstances - I am angry at myself for not being me. Reading my past posts re-emphasized that. I am still not completely me. I am still somewhere thinking about others' opinion and stupid symbolism - guess side-effect of past few months. I do need to move past this - not everything is about me. The world does not revolve around me. That's what is making me (in my own psychoanalysis) uncomfortable. Every sound, every thing somehow has a symbolic meaning that has something to do with what I am doing or not doing. I am angry at myself for taking it that way and then behaving in a way I think I am expected to behave - where I look, what I say, which sounds I react to or not react to, even how I am breathing (do you know how tiring it can be if you are analyzing yourself every single waking second) - instead of being just me. I have always noticed random things, made observations others missed while missing things others may have seen. Past few months it has been made into a big deal - even by people who have known me for years. Looking is not always seeing, seeing is not always looking. I can not be always be focused. I do space out when a random thought occurs to me (which is quite often) - it may be completely unrelated to what's being said or done. That's just me.
I am not justifying or apologizing - that's what adds to my anger. I will be me but I do need to deal with past few months. I do need to understand to move past this anger/guilt. To be honest with myself again- I need to tell myself it was okay to be scared, it was okay to be not honest, to give into societal pressure.
Enough rambling I guess.
PS:
1. Sometimes things are completely random. Not everything need to have a meaning.
2. I do need this information to make decision about my future. To tell me that it never happened or that I should simply move on - I will not be able to make a full informed decision and will always wonder if I made the right choice. I deserve this much courtesy after all the blunders that has been made.
3. Also, Happy Eid
I am reclaiming this blog today. This is part of my journey. I am so glad I didn't delete this blog when I decided to stop blogging. It was nice to reconnect to myself. The cynic, sarcastic, the optimist-who-thinks-she-is-pessimist (if I can go back, I would like to tell her- cynic is not equal to pessimist), the whiner, the honest me. How I have grown and changed since then! I think I used to have much better sense of humour back then - at least I can make myself laugh again. I guess that's one thing I shouldn't have changed about myself - my sarcasm. I am not nearly as sarcastic as I used to be. Guess, its again a sign of growing old?
A lot has changed in three years - especially in past six months. Not even in my wildest dream could have I thought of being in a place I am now. To be honest, I don't even know where I am as I still don't know all the facts. I guess the biggest questions I have - what is point of all this? Why so many people in so many countries care about poor old me? Why knowing everything about me has been so important? Why monitoring me so closely so important? I am one person among 7.6 billion people. Why waste so much resources on me?
Not that I am not grateful (yes, despite my anger tantrums - which reading my blog you must acknowledge is not something new. I used to use blog/sarcasm before) for being loved and cared for so much by so many people - strangers, family, and friends - but I do need to know all the whys and hows. I need to deal with past six months's events to be able to move on. I haven't even started to put them in sequence - it makes me angry. And yes, I am angry at myself for not being honest, for being scared, for doing things that I wouldn't have done in normal circumstances - I am angry at myself for not being me. Reading my past posts re-emphasized that. I am still not completely me. I am still somewhere thinking about others' opinion and stupid symbolism - guess side-effect of past few months. I do need to move past this - not everything is about me. The world does not revolve around me. That's what is making me (in my own psychoanalysis) uncomfortable. Every sound, every thing somehow has a symbolic meaning that has something to do with what I am doing or not doing. I am angry at myself for taking it that way and then behaving in a way I think I am expected to behave - where I look, what I say, which sounds I react to or not react to, even how I am breathing (do you know how tiring it can be if you are analyzing yourself every single waking second) - instead of being just me. I have always noticed random things, made observations others missed while missing things others may have seen. Past few months it has been made into a big deal - even by people who have known me for years. Looking is not always seeing, seeing is not always looking. I can not be always be focused. I do space out when a random thought occurs to me (which is quite often) - it may be completely unrelated to what's being said or done. That's just me.
I am not justifying or apologizing - that's what adds to my anger. I will be me but I do need to deal with past few months. I do need to understand to move past this anger/guilt. To be honest with myself again- I need to tell myself it was okay to be scared, it was okay to be not honest, to give into societal pressure.
Enough rambling I guess.
PS:
1. Sometimes things are completely random. Not everything need to have a meaning.
2. I do need this information to make decision about my future. To tell me that it never happened or that I should simply move on - I will not be able to make a full informed decision and will always wonder if I made the right choice. I deserve this much courtesy after all the blunders that has been made.
3. Also, Happy Eid
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