Nevers # 2: Validation

This one is for all the Mr. Fix-its and Ms. Optimistics'. I understand you are the cheery lot and want everything to be fine ("Fine" being the operative word here) but the rest of us don't want to be in denial. And if someone close to you, tells you about how bad his/her day was or how upset he or she is, its not because they can't handle their problem and need you to fix it, neither do they think that they are no good. All they need at that point is VALIDATION of their feelings/emotions.

We complain because we feel. We have emotions and we don't deny them. And as far as I am concerned, its healthy to be upset, angry or just sad. Not everything is fine, if I am hurt and I need to acknowledge that and may be even grieve a bit. And the job of a friend in those times is to validate those emotions and not come up with the solutions for problems or tell us to move on even before you finish telling them the whole story.

And please, don't start up with all those motivational crap, you know, the ones that says that you can either face your troubles with a smile or with a slump and blah blah blah. Seriously, they used to sound great when I was a teenager. I could afford to be in denial then. Not anymore.

I once read this somewhere:

Painful feelings that are expressed, acknowledged and validated by a trusted listener will diminish.

Painful Feelings that are ignored will gain strength.

So please, next time a friend starts complaining, don't hush them. Listen and validate. Sympathize, be a bit dishonest, if needed (you can be honest at a later occasion when they are less vulnerable). Just acknowledge the fact that its ok for them to be upset. It helps. A lot.