On Marriage and Such

I have been following the recent thread in blogosphere that originated at Women’s web and was taken up by quite a few bloggers including IHM, Hiphop Grandmom and others. I haven’t had time to write anything on the topic so far. But I am not postponing it any longer. So on risk of being late to office tomorrow morning, here are my two cents.

“Marriage”, as defined by Oxford dictionary, “is the formal union of a man and a woman, typically as recognized by law, by which they become husband and wife”. Why am I defining marriage for you, you ask? Because I want to emphasis on two phrases in this definition: formal union ( = social approval) and recognized by law ( = legal rights).

You see, marriage is, first and foremost, a legal, for lack of a better word, “contract”. Its second advantage is the associated social approval. Apart from that, marriage has no meaning. Okay before you jump your guns and start shooting, hear me out.

Marriage, by definition, doesn’t ensure happiness, or a committed, monogamous or meaningful relationship. True, a lot of people in a happy, committed, meaningful relationship do decide to get married. However, if they are already in a happy, committed and meaningful relationship, marriage, as such, doesn’t matter. Married or not, they will be happy with each other. If they are not in such a relationship, marriage will not give them any of the above mentioned things in that relationship. The purpose of marriage is, simply, to give couples a social approval and, of course, legal rights. Marriage does not, and can not, ensure a happy relationship.

Now going back to the original question: Are marriages sold to Indian women in glossy cover? Is marriage an over-rated institution?

I think any society that promotes marriage as a way to be in a happy relationship, is trying to pull a big one on its gullible members. In our society, its usually the women who get the short end of the stick in this scam. The Indian women are lead to believe that they can’t be really happy unless they are married or have had kids. Rather, the people around them won’t let them be happy unless they have achieved these goals. It seems, Indian women can only be happy when the society around them tells them they are happy. If they dare to be happy and content otherwise, they are tagged as being selfish. Women, by Indian society’s standard, can not and should not be happy and content by herself. So for Indian women it’s not the question of marriage being sold in glossy cover but a question of choosing between two evils: being married and be unhappy with society’s approval or be single and happy but as a society’s vamp. (Disclaimer: Not all marriages are unhappy). Guess what most women choose? (I can’t be included in this statistics as I chose to leave the country instead of choosing between these two options).

As far as the question of “marriage being an over-rated institution” is concerned: In my opinion, the legal rights associated with the marriage are very important. Ask LGBTs in a committed relationship and you will hear about horrors about what not having such a right can mean. They are not allowed to be next to their partner on their death bed. They are not allowed to attend their partners funeral. They are thrown out of the house after their partner’s death: the house that they build together and lived together in for decades.

So yes, marriage is important but we need to treat marriage as marriage: a legal contract. The moment we start using marriage as means for finding happiness: I think we are doomed to have more unhappy marriages in our society.

What do you think?

P.S.: I define a marriage unhappy or unsuccessful if either partner is unhappy. After all, a relationship can’t be happy or successful if one of the person involved is unhappy.