I have been trying to catch up with the Blogosphere these days (though not commenting on everything I read but I am reading), and as it happens so often when you are in blogosphere, there are thoughts bubbling at the surface. And sometimes, very unrelated topics click perfectly with each other. Like the current challenge at Blogadda (and no I am not participating again, just thinking aloud): ‘Friends Forever’, and a post by Shilpa on ‘the other woman’. Completely unrelated? May be, may be not.
You see its all good and nice in a friendship as long as life is simple and easy. The real challenge of friendship is when your friends does something that according to your moral compass is wrong. It can be anything from having an extra marital affair (if they are married), or having an affair with a married man/woman, or as we desis (belonging to Indian subcontinent) are raised to be homophobic and transphobic, you discover (in case you are still homophobic/transphobic) they are gay, transsexual, transgender, or even cross dresser. What do you do then?
What do you say to your friend when they share with you something that according to your moral compass is wrong? You condemn them and walk away, or you stay and support them? And by supporting I mean really supporting, and not trying to get them to change their decision, or ignoring the big elephant in the room (the two approaches that people usually take when they don’t agree with someone else’s decision) but be there for them and tell them it’s okay, as long as they are happy. To hell with right and wrong. Because you know, the rest of the world is going to condemn them anyway (including their family), so will you join the society in condemning them or will you be there for them, as one of the last shoulder for them to cry on (remember family and society is going to condemn you as well for supporting them blindly)? Friends Forever?
Jaan pe bhi khelenge, tere liye le lenge: sabse dushmani
P.S.: Happy Friendship Day. And to all of my friends, who have stood by me and will stand by me again, no matter what: THANK YOU. I promise to be there for you as well, no matter what.
You're right...it's probably very difficult to stay friends when there's a moral dilemma. I have had a very close friend cheat on a partner and I do not condone cheating. I told her that I wasn't sure about what she was doing. We are in touch now but not so close. I've lost another friend because the friend didn't approve of my partner back then. I had cracks in a friendship at high school because I very tactlessly told my best friend I didn't think her boyfriend was a decent guy. It ruptured our friendship but then three years after that, she wrote to me saying I was right. He did end up being a jerk. We have repaired our friendship again which is great. So yeah, I reckon it's the cracks and getting past that which determines a friendship, eh?
ReplyDeleteThis is similar to what I would do if my wife suddenly became very religious or had an affair. There are certain things which one can forgive, and certain things one can't. Each person has his or her own "Dealbreakers."
ReplyDeleteIf something in my friend changes which goes against the very foundation of our relationship or which goes against my very nature, it can be impossible to remain friends. But this isn't a sweeping statement.
If my friend has an affair for example, I need to find out why. It all depends on the circumstances...
These are things to think about. If I discovered my friend was gay or a cross dresser, I would be supportive. Simply because he/she felt comfortable enough coming out to me. Especially since I know it must be hard for them to do so.
ReplyDeleteIf one of them was involved in some extra marital affair. That's a much harder situation, I'm someone who feels that cheating is wrong in all circumstances. I would try my best to be understanding of their situation, and remind them that I wouldn't want to seem the get hurt because they made a bad choice.
I think it'd depend on how serious my friend's wrong-doing is; and also how close I am to my friend.
ReplyDeleteMy friend once did something that I thought was morally wrong - not as serious as cheating or anything - and I did condemn him; but did not just walk away. I did not unconditionally support him either.
What I did do, was try to reason with him, tell him what I felt about this decision. I felt it was my duty to do so, even if it carried the risk of hurting him.
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ReplyDeletephilosophy